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  <a href="/blog/blog/5917243/crutch">Crutch</a>&nbsp;
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<p>I’ve got a no censor rule when it comes to lyrics and my first pass lyrics will always come from a place of honesty straight to the page. Often times my lyrics are being written during periods of intense emotion so I don’t always use what I’ve written. Many first drafts remain safely tucked away in my library of writing notebooks never to be read again until I flip through them when I find myself in need of words to sing while I’m working on the music for something.   </p>
<p>Rewind to one early Spring night in 2018 when Glen and I were hanging out in our music room and I was eager to try out his brandy new guitar. When I say “new” I’m talking - he’s only tried it out in the store hasn’t even played it yet himself new - anyway I show up and ask if I can try it. Glen gives me the go ahead and suggests we jam (one of the many reasons why we’ve been friends for so long is his willingness to get behind the drums and allow me to make horrendous noise with a guitar which he always very generously calls a ”jam” but I digress...) so where was I? Oh yes, I had just put on GP’s brandy new guitar he’s now behind the kit waiting for me to lead the way, I turn the volume to stun, hit the first chord and...the strap lock gives out and super cool, brandy new guitar smashes into the cement floor.  </p>
<p>I am beyond horrified, Glen however is strangely calm as he comes out from behind his drums to survey the damage. We look over the guitar and there is now a rather unsightly crack in the finish by the jack but everything else is ok.  At this point all I want to do is sit in a corner and cry but Glen is completely unfazed by the incident and wants to get rolling with our “jam” I grab a barstool so that I can sit in a position that will keep the guitar away from the floor for the remainder of the evening and off we go. </p>
<p>Almost immediately we lock onto an idea which has got me singing non-sensical words and vowel sounds along to the progression we are now putting together and this is the point when I grab a lyric notebook from my desk, flip it open to a random page and use those words to sing along as we play.  </p>
<p>You know what the trouble with random lyric selection is? The lyrics can attach themselves to the song and the next thing you know...the song has written itself and there’s no turning back. That’s all fine and good except in this particular instance I wasn’t thrilled with the intent of the lyrics for the song. Heres the thing, I’ve reached a point in my life where I don’t want to send angry or hurtful words out into the world.  There is enough pain in the world, I don’t want to contribute in any way shape or form to increasing the pain. On the contrary I want to stay focused on love as I very humbly stand firm in my belief that love is the answer. I want to do whatever I can to elevate consciousness. Period.   </p>
<p>Back to our jam session....so we finish up and Glen now takes over and before you know it he’s played all these really catchy instrument tracks and we’re both super excited by how this song idea has evolved but I am tripped up by the lyrics, I don’t want to use them so I tell Glen I just need to rewrite the lyrics and then I’ll re-record the vocals and then we can release the song.  So I listen to the track over and over and over and despite multiple attempts to rewrite I continue to get tripped up by the lyrics that are already on the track. And to make matters worse Glen and my friend Duke who has joined us for the recording of this track (I  switch over to a new computer and recording gear and Duke has arrived to teach me how to use my new gear) both love the lyrics specifically the crutch part. Fantastic. Now not only do I need to rewrite but I need to rewrite and keep the main chorus lines. Try as I might, nothing I re-write really works, and I don’t like any of it. It will take me a long time to figure out I’m stuck because I’m trying to force new lyrics out of myself and it will take me an even longer time (year and a half folks) before I am comfortable enough to allow what is, to just be. </p>
<p>I still struggle with the lyrics, and maybe because I know how much pain I was in when I wrote them they are far harsher sounding to my ears than anyone else’s, I sent the track out to a test group of friends who I knew would give me honest feedback and not one of them had any problem with the lyrics, all in one way or another gave me permission to express sadness and I still got tripped up. And the truth is the only reason why this track ever saw the light of day and release is because I just didn’t have the heart to put the kabash on it because it’s the first track where Glen gets to shine. There is a songwriter inside of that man who is only just beginning to get rolling and I want to do everything I can to encourage his writing evolution! So...I got the hell over myself, finished the retakes on the track and sent it out into the cosmos with a prayer attached that any who listen hear not only the lyrics but somehow also “hear” the gift inside of them, which is the insight that came right after I wrote them....pain puts up walls. Walls might keep the pain at bay....but those same walls keep all the other emotions, like joy and love, at bay as well.  These were the lyrics that made me realize how many walls I’ve built over the years to protect myself, and ever since the night I wrote them I have devoted myself to the disassembly of those walls. So the intention that I send out to anyone who may happen upon listening to Crutch is this....fuck building walls, be brave, open your heart, let love in and send love out.  Pain isn’t the enemy, our fear of pain is.  Pain asks us to pay attention.  Pay attention to what’s important and keep moving towards whatever  that is...for me it’s love, gonna let it in and I’m gonna send it out every chance I get and most importantly I am done building walls. </p>
<p>And that my friends is the story behind the Crutch </p>
<p>Thanks for reading along! </p>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2019-10-06T11:05:29-04:00" title="October 06, 2019 11:05">10/06/2019</span></p>

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  <a href="/blog/blog/5912479/heads">Heads!</a>&nbsp;
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  <div class="message"><p><img src="//images.zoogletools.com/u/226954/f58e57b57ae7b27e57039646f530240691288e20/original/img-5499.jpg/!!/undefined/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsIm1lZGl1bSJdXQ==.jpg" class="size_m justify_center border_" />The muse sings with an earnest voice and I believe the words that crack open something long forgotten inside my heart. Those words...how can they be? As if spelled my mind drifts back to a time when <i>I</i> said a prayer. An earnest, wordless prayer. I cast that prayer across the canyon, out, out it journeyed until it found someone who said yes to its invitation. </p>
<p>It’s always about the yes.  The muse searches for the one who will lean into the call. Eleven years later I am standing transfixed as my prayer is sung back to me. I have come full circle, and I say “yes, yes,YES one hundred million times yes” in response.  </p>
<p>The songs begin, I don’t question where they come from, I simply allow them to come through.  I know how this works - head thrown back, eyes closed, senses on overdrive - I take the ride. I have always thought the muse something holy and.......wholly unpredictable, which is why it is important to lean in whenever it extends an invitation.   </p>
<p>This time around the ride is different.  In addition to the music, there are the dreams; the muse comes to visit even as I sleep, and from some place beyond the unconscious I am dreaming that which is yet to come.  </p>
<p><i>I am the shadow  </i></p>
<p><i>I am the wind upon your cheek </i></p>
<p>The words pass through me while fingers play a rather insistent melody and the notes rise higher and higher until they reach a place where the view expands to include me kneeling at the red rock as I dream of the future, while both of us sing, and for the briefest of moments I understand the circle. </p>
<p>It is from this place I see the muse smiling, I reach out and take his extended hand and the future me laughs and says “you know, it really is all about the yes and by the way, I’ve seen the ending so I’m just gonna go ahead and call it. Heads <i>we</i> win!”</p></div>
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  <a href="/blog/blog/5518797/random-thoughts">Random Thoughts</a>&nbsp;
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<p>Yeah, so it’s been quite some time since my last entry. What can I say? </p>
<p>I like to spiral off and see where my curiosity takes me. I believe in following my creative impulses whenever possible, and those impulses usually ask me for a commitment.  I’ve spent the last year or so remaining true to my commitment to deepen my creative practice and to throw myself into piano lessons. </p>
<p>I’m an all in kinda girl so when I decide I’m going to devote my focus to something I do so with my whole heart. That’s just how I roll. </p>
<p>Here are a few things I’ve discovered during my recent explorations (in no particular order): </p>
<p>• I need to be out among the wild things as often as possible. More than anything else, being in nature inspires my creative soul. </p>
<p>• I have a theory: if you are wild hearted, inspiration can be found anywhere. We are all born wild hearted, as adults we must find our way back to this way of being. </p>
<p>• It is all sacred space. </p>
<p>• Piano is hard. Reeeeeally hard. </p>
<p>• I can do hard things. </p>
<p>• It’s the difficult things that help me to return to beginner’s mind. </p>
<p>• Beginner’s mind is where the magic lies. </p>
<p>• Those who look for magic, will always find it. </p>
<p>• We draw to ourselves, that which we hold in our heart. </p>
<p>• We are living the story that we tell ourselves. We must pay very close attention to the story we are telling ourselves. </p>
<p>• It’s our story, we owe it to ourselves to make it an epic one. </p>
<p>• Art and music are my beacons. When my heart is breaking from the pain of being human they are the lights that help me to remember that Love is in back of all things. It is.  And eventually we will all remember this. </p>
<p>• Gratitude is grace. And I am grateful for every single second of being alive. Every single second. </p>
<p>• The depth of my grief is also the depth of my love. </p>
<p>• As in art, so in life. </p>
<p>• I love to sing. I had forgotten that, it won’t happen again. </p>
<p>• I’m ready now. It’s taken me eight years, I’m still scared, but I’m also, ready now. </p>
<p>• Sometimes I am the student, and sometimes I am the teacher.</p>
<p>• The beach is my happy place. </p>
<p>• Also, wherever I am, is my happy place. </p>
<p>Like I said, no particular order. It’s funny what I’ve learned from diving into piano lessons and collage and writing classes. All of it has been incredibly inspiring and has really stoked my creative fire. So much so that I have been writing songs like a mad woman. There will be a new single out this year, and a new EP (possibly a full length album) will be out in 2019. Most of the songs are written and it’s now a matter of aligning schedules to get the recording done. </p>
<p>I’m a firm believer in divine timing. So when the time is right, it will all fall into place. That being said, thanks so much for reading along. Maybe I’ll blog again soon, we shall see where inspiration takes me. Until then, stay wild and may your journey be an epic one!<img src="//images.zoogletools.com/u/226954/783f56684c4618c85e3d5eba48bc57b637eab6cb/original/img-7825.jpg/!!/b:W1sic2l6ZSIsInNtYWxsIl1d.jpg" class="size_s justify_center border_" /></p></div>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2018-11-18T11:56:40-05:00" title="November 18, 2018 11:56">11/18/2018</span></p>

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<h2 class="heading-secondary heading-blog alt-font">
  <a href="/blog/blog/4820127/change-of-plans">Change of Plans</a>&nbsp;
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  <div class="message"><p><img src="//images.zoogletools.com/u/226954/9a7dc9959b1d7e63c5ae0d26605f011bb9d91dbe/small/img-5265.jpg?1503279551" class="size_s justify_center border_" />When last I wrote I was going to take a break from making music and get to know my new camera while spending as much time as possible out in nature taking pictures. I'm here to report I’ve done just that; I’ve even begun to build my Instagram presence and in time you will be able to link to that page from this site….that’s my plan anyway.  <br>  <br>Speaking of plans...for a very long time, I planned on making a concept album.  The album would be called Ventura and it was going to tell the story of a very specific period of time in my life.  And the fact of the matter is, I did write that album.  The material has been written for years, it’s just been waiting for us to re-record the songs and release the CD.  After we finished the song a month project, I felt very sure that the time had come to focus on the next plan which was to complete the Ventura CD.  <br>  <br>I started the process of going through the material figuring out what needed to get done, when suddenly all I wanted to do was go outside and enjoy the sunshine and take pictures.  I found myself with absolutely zero motivation to start working on the CD.  I wasn’t feeling it at all, but I thought that I probably just needed a break and for the last couple of months that exactly what I’ve been doing – taking a break. <br>  <br>Taking a break and stepping away from something often brings clarity.  And you know what I got really clear about while I was taking my break? <br>  <br>I no longer want to finish the Ventura CD. <br>  <br>I’ve carried around the story that I was going to tell with the music on the Ventura disc for years now.  But you know what? I’m done carrying that around. It’s been this heavy thing that has weighed upon my soul for too long.   It’s my past, and I’m releasing that heaviness now.  I’m done waiting for permission to move on, waiting for forgiveness for wanting to move on. I’ve been waiting for something so illusive,  I can’t even put a name to it but I’m done waiting for it just the same.  I’ve finally forgiven myself for failing.  For not being perfect, for not choosing wisely, for not being the person I thought other people needed me to be, and most of all for letting myself down when I wasn't being true to myself.  No more.  What’s done is done.  The last seven years and the events that transpired that shattered my heart, repeatedly, those things are no longer part of a story I wish to share.  I’ve lived it, nothing more to tell.  The story I want to explore, the story that has found its way into the new material I’ve written is about who I'm  becoming, what I’ve learned along the way during times when I thought I was really lost. <br>  <br>Sometimes, in order to step out of the shadows you must first step into them. Somewhere along the way, during the moments when I  was so very certain I was lost, lost from myself, from life as I once knew it…I discovered that I wasn’t lost at all….I had simply started down the path to finding myself. <br>I know, how cliché right? Thing of it is…while it may be cliché…it's also the truth.  I’ve felt lost, I’ve felt scared.  A LOT. I have no idea what the future holds, and that is something that used to really scare the bejeezus out of me, but I get a little more comfortable with the unknown with each passing day.  Very little of how I thought things were going to turn out –has actually happened.  And that’s ok. I’m alright.  At times I feel like I am beginning to thrive, to come into my own and that’s kinda cool.  I don’t have a lot of answers and most days I’ve got a lot of questions. I’m ok with that too.  These days I have a freedom that I recognize and appreciate.  I don’t have a plan.  And I really like that.  I'm making it up as I go along, moving in the direction of that which inspires me, moving towards that which makes me feel alive. Things change. I've changed. My plans have changed. <br>  <br>So the Ventura CD…that’s not going to be released after all.  However, you still might hear some material from that album as some of it will probably find it’s way onto a future full length CD or be released as singles.  As a matter of fact, this month’s release is a song that would have been on the Ventura CD – it’s a track called Tommy’s Ghost.  You'll get to hear it first on this site as I'll be posting it in a few days time...that's my plan anyway.   ?</p></div>
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<h2 class="heading-secondary heading-blog alt-font">
  <a href="/blog/blog/4729321/picture-perfect">Head Over Heels</a>&nbsp;
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<p> </p>
<p>I’m in love.  The head over heels, weak in the knees kind of love.  Completely and utterly smitten. </p>
<p>With a camera.  </p>
<p>That isn’t mine. </p>
<p>Yet. </p>
<p>But I’m getting ahead of myself, let me back up a bit… </p>
<p>I'm in the market for a new camera so I called a friend who is a photographer and told her what I was looking for and asked her if there were any cameras she would recommend. Not only could she recommend a camera, but she very kindly offered to loan me hers to try out.  </p>
<p>Last night I took her camera out for a test shoot, I drove to the local arboretum a little before dusk and started taking pictures.  I purposely left the manual in the car to see how intuitive the controls on the camera were, and I had no problem at all experimenting with the (Oh hell yeah!!! These are so cool!!) built in filters and  controls on the camera.  I completely lost track of time.  It got darker and the camera just kept on taking great pictures, didn’t struggle at all.  I was experimenting with filters and exposure settings photographing a stream that meanders through the garden, completely enamored with the dreamy looking images I was capturing when Glen (who I had invited to join me on this adventure) tapped me on the shoulder and said “look” and pointed to a deer a few feet away.  We were in a section of the park where the stream I’d been photographing was on one side of the path and a  large open grassy field with flowering trees and shrubs was on the other side. The lone deer was nibbling on some grass in the field when he was joined by another deer, and then another and another and none of them seemed even remotely concerned with our presence.  I took some (oh ok, fine I took a LOT of) pictures of the deer with the dreamy filter/exposure settings I’d been experimenting with.  I stood in that spot for quite some time, I didn’t want to move.  It was such a beautiful sight.  More deer came, there must have been close to ten deer at one point, and these beautiful innocent looking creatures set against the backdrop of the open field with the flowering trees, the sweet scent of the flowers, the sound of the stream, the beautiful light of dusk,  all of it,  took my breath away.  And I felt lucky to be there, to witness that moment in such a beautiful park. </p>
<p> It was getting darker so Glen and I finally headed back to my car.  And I was so glad that I had decided to take a ride over to the park to test out the camera.  I got home and transferred the images from the camera to my iMac and the images looked great!  That moment in the field with the deer looked as dreamy in the pictures as it felt in real life.  So yes, I’m in love with the camera, completely enamored with it, can’t wait to have one of my own. But you know what else? Last night, I fell head over heels, weak in the knees, completely and utterly (to my very core) in love with a moment in time, and I was changed by it.   </p>
<p>And that my friends, is one of the reasons why I love taking pictures so much. Photography  encourages me to pay attention, to notice things, and then to try and capture what I see  in a picture.  It sparks something inside of me that says "look around Chris, what do you see?" While I couldn’t photograph what I felt last night when I was standing watching the deer, what I did capture was an image that will remind me of that moment, transport me back to its magic any time I want to return.  And that's pretty darn cool, and it's also why I can’t wait to go back outside and take more pictures! </p>
<p>PS – in music related news….we probably won’t be releasing a track this month. I’ve been spending my time taking pictures, I’ve also been painting, and I’ve been working on a couple of new songs I've written. What I haven't done is record the vocal track that I need to get down so that I can release the next track...soon….very soon!</p>
<p> </p>
<p><img src="//images.zoogletools.com/u/226954/3786e57e62364fa78b7ad0efe63648fd09b10dd6/medium/fullsizerender-12.jpg?1496283687" class="size_m justify_center border_" /></p></div>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2017-05-31T22:23:26-04:00" title="May 31, 2017 22:23">05/31/2017</span></p>

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</article>  <article class="post blog-article full-item post-full" data-controller="zoogle-video" data-action="message@window-&gt;zoogle-video#handleVimeoPostMessage">
    
<h2 class="heading-secondary heading-blog alt-font">
  <a href="/blog/blog/4661489/fan-the-flame">Fan The Flame</a>&nbsp;
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  <div class="message"><p><img src="//images.zoogletools.com/u/226954/d352fa19d7fc439e98015e43c922e96d19aa6bdc/large/fullsizerender-8.jpg?1491530371" class="size_l justify_right border_none" alt="" />It’s been a while since my last post, and truth be told every now and then I allow myself to spiral off and do whatever the heck I want (vs trying to remain focused on a music based “to do” list).  Sometimes I just need to break and recharge which is exactly what I began doing whenever I wasn't  working on March's release (Immortal).   </p>
<p>I spent some time with my good friend Marc from Solace Music Group working on the track and as is always the case when working with Marc, we laughed ourselves silly and I learned a lot from working on the track with him, not the least of which is this – even pro’s have what I lovingly refer to as “wtf Logic” moments (although in my case I freely admit it’s most often operator error).  Coincidentally (or not, if like me, you don’t believe in coincidences - insert knowing grin here) Immortal was the very first song I recorded in Logic.  My friend Benz had been teaching me how to navigate Logic and had ended my first lesson instructing me to familiarize myself with the software instrument &amp; loop functions and I spent a day trying to figure it all out and Immortal is what I wrote using (what was then) my new software.  It’s a track that I had a very clear idea of how I wanted it to sound so it’s hung out on my hard drive for a while waiting around for me to figure out how to finish it.  </p>
<p>I’ve got quite a large library of tracks at various levels of finished on my hard drive, and then I’ve got playlists on my phone of tracks that are works in progress – and other playlists of tracks that just miss the mark but I can’t figure out what it is I want to change and I am constantly cycling through all of this material while also writing new material that I either finish immediately or add to the aforementioned hard drive library or phone playlists.  Needless to say there is always music playing in my head.  Sometimes it’s old, sometimes its new, sometimes I start to combine the two.  It’s always changing, and always playing.  And sometimes I get stuck.  The music is playing but I’m not actually “hearing” anything for it, I can’t figure out where to go with it.  And that’s when I know it’s time for a break.  That I need to recharge. </p>
<p>And that is what I’ve been up to lately.  I’ve been spending time with friends, and making sure I get outside and enjoy nature and now that it seems Spring has finally arrived I will be splitting my time between nature and music my two big loves.  And that makes me happy.  ‘Cause here’s the thing kids, I don’t believe in “stuck” or writers block or whatever name one gives to a well that appears to be drying up.   For me, when I’m feeling stuck I know that is just the Universe’s way of letting me know I’m out of balance. My output has exceeded my input, and I’ve forgotten that I need to fan the flame and it’s time to recharge.  So I will be spending the next month or two or three (however many feels “right” ) recharging.  I’ve dusted off my camera and I’ve already been out photographing up a storm, and who knows maybe one of these days I’ll actually add photos to my Instagram page.  But in the meantime I’m going to be slowing down the pace of my musical output, I’m going to focus on doing things like spending hours walking around a park watching Spring return in all its splendor and trying to capture some of the magic of the season with my camera.  We’ll see how that goes. </p>
<p>In the meantime, I hope you’ll take a moment and check out this month’s release.  I’ve started work on next month’s track but it could be a little while before I post again (music or blog).  Now if you’ll excuse me my camera is calling and I need to head on out to the park!</p><img src="//images.zoogletools.com/u/226954/a18f895e4edd77d375d134ac6e3aec3efa8e187b/medium/fullsizerender-9.jpg?1491530381" class="size_m justify_center border_none" alt="" /></div>
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  <a href="/blog/blog/4582349/lost-track-confessions-the-lioness">Lost Track Confessions - The Lioness</a>&nbsp;
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  <div class="message"><p><img src="//images.zoogletools.com/u/226954/6666aeda68f4a6687146290acfb43f7fb255e0be/medium/img-2866.jpg?1486604297" class="size_m justify_center border_" />Lost Track Confessions:  The Lioness </p>
<p>There have been times over the course of my existence when I've felt like life has taken a swing at me. And like it or not I would find myself in the metaphorical ring. I'd have my gloves on, fists up in front of my face and life would hit me with a knockout punch and down I'd go. </p>
<p>I feel like the better part of the last seven years life has been swinging, and I've been finding myself face down on the mat.  Repeatedly.  If only I were smart enough to stay down.  Unfortunately, that is so not my style.   </p>
<p>I don't admit defeat easily, so for better or for worse I have taken what life has thrown at me, hit the mat hard and proceeded to crawl over to the ropes, and painfully climb up them and back onto my feet. </p>
<p>My hands and knees are raw from the effort, but I'm still standing.  And somewhere along the way the Lioness was awakened. I didn't awaken a fearless Lioness. In reality I'm standing terrified that the very thing I have fought and clawed my way up for will not come to pass. </p>
<p>But even as I type those words I know I don't believe them; the Lioness is the spirit inside of me that refuses to stay down.  So yeah, I'm afraid and I don't know how things are going to turn out, and I have no idea where the road up ahead leads, but I'm standing and I'm taking one step, then another and another and I'm going to keep walking even though I'm scared and I'm alone. Because I know in my heart this is not how my story ends.   </p>
<p>It's how it begins...</p></div>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2017-02-09T20:40:00-05:00" title="February 09, 2017 20:40">02/09/2017</span></p>

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  <a href="/blog/blog/4582315/coming-home-part-1">Coming Home Part 1</a>&nbsp;
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<p>It all hits me as I'm standing in the doorway of my childhood bedroom. Every muscle of my body strains under the weight of the moment.  I'm 44 years old and life as I have known it for the last sixteen years, is over.  I'm living here now. I've come back home. Holy fuck.  It's too much for me to handle and my brain and my body begin to do everything they can to protect me.  They shut down.  </p>
<p>I collapse on my bed and try to sleep. Sleep doesn't come, but pain does. Excruciating pain that climbs up my back and into my neck as my left arm goes numb. I wonder briefly if I am having a heart attack, but I am too drained, too broken to care so I just lie in my bed and I try not to think about anything.  And to my surprise  my brain cooperates, it focusses on my breathing and the ebb and flow of the pain, the strange rhythm of the two eventually lulls me to sleep. </p>
<p>I wake in the morning in pain. What I thought was discomfort last night is nothing compared to what I am feeling this morning. I head to my doctor to find out what the hell is wrong with me, he tells me it's a pinched nerve and I proceed to pass out from the pain. I wake to the sound of my doctor telling my father to bring me to the emergency room.  The next few hours  are filled with tests and good times in a MRI while the folks at the hospital try and figure out what's wrong with me.   </p>
<p>I know what's wrong with me, I'm having a nervous breakdown, but their professional opinion says it's a pinched nerve in my back and they hand me a prescription for Oxycodone and send me on my merry way. </p>
<p>I lose the next few days to the Oxycodone, it does nothing for the pain, but it renders me unconscious much of the time, and I am so very grateful for that. </p>
<p>                ____________________________ </p>
<p>I won't know in those days of the Oxy induced fog that it's just the beginning, that my body is just getting started with a chronic cycle of pain.  That I will always be in pain. I don't know yet that when one area heals a new area and a new pain cycle will begin. I have no inkling that I will spend the next three years going through the medical system trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Eventually I'll be diagnosed with fibromyalgia, but I'll know better.  I'll know it's a broken heart and that the pain in my body is just a mask for the emotional pain that will still be too much for me to bear three years down the road.  It will take me another year to find doctors who can help me, another year after that before I'm healthy enough to find my way back to the rock wall gym to climb, but I still won't have the confidence in my body to renew my belay certification.  Another year will pass before I'll muster up the courage to go horseback riding with a friend, and one more year after that before I finally begin to workout again and slowly get my body back, the one I had before I fell apart. Before my marriage ended. </p>
<p> Seven years. </p>
<p> Seven long years of finding my way back to the living.</p></div>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2017-02-08T20:12:41-05:00" title="February 08, 2017 20:12">02/08/2017</span></p>

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<h2 class="heading-secondary heading-blog alt-font">
  <a href="/blog/blog/4569038/pacifica">Pacifica</a>&nbsp;
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  <div class="message"><p><img src="//images.zoogletools.com/u/226954/d5c06f971bc0412c89cde98b39c1dcfa4f2cd982/medium/p1010414.jpg?1485800164" class="size_m justify_center border_" />May 2009<br><br>I throw my giant suitcase into the back of my sisters VW bug and ask her if she'll put the top down for the ride over to her place. It's a gorgeous sunny afternoon and despite having spent the last five and a half hours on a plane I am in a great mood, happy to see my sister and feeling excited about seeing her new apartment.  It's a twenty minute ride to her place in Pacifica and we pass the time chatting about the places we plan to visit over the next few days. </p>
<p>We're discussing what to see first as we pull into her complex, she parks and I'm wrestling with my suitcase when I look up and notice the beach. Holy shit. My sisters apartment complex backs up to the beach. I knew this, but didn't really "get it" until just now. </p>
<p>My sister is living my life. The life I have dreamed for myself. How the heck did this happen?  </p>
<p>I ask her this very question as we walk over to the building her unit is in. She laughs and says, "you can move out here anytime you like, what's stopping you"? </p>
<p>It's an excellent question. And I'm trying to come up with an answer as I walk into her apartment for the first time.  I'm instantly smitten with her new home, it's an open layout that makes it look far more spacious then it actually is, a giant wall of windows in both the living room and bedroom make for a fantastic amount of natural lighting. I'm in love with the place and inform her I'm moving in. She's not at all troubled by this idea, and again asks what's stopping me from moving out there.  </p>
<p>It's a question that will be in my head as we drive down the coast and check out Big Sur, it will be pestering me as we explore Mavericks especially when my sister looks at me and asks "this is your Graceland isn't it"? It will be the thought circling in my head as I walk around the glass beach in Fort Bragg, it will be ever present while I'm marveling at the incredible graffiti of the Mission District, no matter how magnificent the redwoods of Muir "what's stopping you" will stay at the front of my thoughts. </p>
<p>That question will have me changing flights and staying an extra day, and on the  last night of my visit when I look down at the map we've used for our travels (what? GPS is boring, maps are much more fun) Simi Valley will jump out at me. </p>
<p>"Oh my God!! Why the heck didn't I think of this sooner" I ask my sister. "Why didn't you think of what sooner" she replies.  </p>
<p>"Simi Valley, our California facility is in Simi Valley I can put in a request to transfer to that facility, I'm friends with the manager I know he'll put in a good word for me and then I can live here too!" Sis tells me to "go for it".  </p>
<p>I fly home brain racing, planning my new life in Cali. I can't wait to get back to Cali. </p>
<p>And go back I do...I return in September with a list of apartments to visit.  Sis flies down and meets me at LAX and we set off to check out my list of apartments and because, hello, I'm in Cali and there is just soooooo much I want to see, we will be mixing in a pretty extensive road trip with my apartment hunting.  </p>
<p>We leave LAX and head up to Ventura which is the first place that I've got a list of apartments I want to see.  I adore old school beach towns, so when we drive into Ventura I fall in love with the place.  We spend a day checking out apartments and exploring Ventura before heading out to Ojai (turns out I love Ojai too) and then on to Death Valley and then to Joshua Tree before getting lost in Palm Springs (don't ask, maps are tricky) on our way to to SanDiego.  We spend the next few days exploring many of the beach towns on the southern coast before returning to Ventura. I spend my last night of the trip in Ventura and I make my decision. I'm moving to Ventura. </p>
<p>I'm working out the details of my move as I drive back to LAX the next morning, I map out the next few years of my life on my flight home, I've got everything figured out by the time I land in NJ. </p>
<p>I'm moving to California. I've got a plan and I'm stoked. </p>
<p>Trouble is... </p>
<p>Things don't always go as planned...</p></div>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2017-01-30T13:16:26-05:00" title="January 30, 2017 13:16">01/30/2017</span></p>

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  <a href="/blog/blog/4539329/as-in-art-not-so-much-in-life">As In Art, Not So Much In Life</a>&nbsp;
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  <div class="message"><p><img src="//images.zoogletools.com/u/226954/6d63d4ccc5ee03b2fea3ac1bd543441a0c2303c1/small/fullsizerender-3.jpg?1483672695" class="size_s justify_center border_" />Excellent news!! My 63in wide x 6 yards in length roll of primed canvas arrived today.Yes, freaking Yes!!  I can’t wait to start painting!! <br>  <br>Perhaps, now would be a good time to mention the fact that I have absolutely zero talent as a painter.  In 2012 I wanted to explore painting so I took a year long painting class, it was awesome, I loved that class so very much and I loved, loved, LOVED creating a new painting each month, I had such a blast making some of the most horrendous artwork I have ever seen.   My lack of ability did not deter me, I assumed it was simply a matter of me taking 30 years off from painting that created the learning curve and all I needed was a little more practice.  So I signed on for a different year long course in 2013, and once again I created a painting on a regular basis (this time every 6 weeks) and again I LOVED the class, however my painting abilities did not improve. At all. Not even a little. Whatever.  I continued creating more hideous artwork all the while cultivating a deeper love for painting.  My God, I really love to paint, and I really love ginormous canvases.  There is something about a blank 3’x3’ (or better yet a 4’x4’)canvas that just makes my heart race in the best of ways.  <br>  <br>And today’s excitement about the behemoth roll of blank canvas has got my head full of questions about fearlessness in the face of the unknown – more specifically why is it I can stand in front of a blank canvas and not be afraid to make a complete and utter mess of things and yet in life most days I find myself afraid to make a move of any kind without having analyzed every conceivable outcome (read all the shit that could possibly go wrong) before trying something.  Why doesn’t the control freak come out to play when I’m painting? And you know what? It’s not just painting, I can’t play an instrument, don’t know theory, don’t care about either just love to create music so I do so without fear (at least not until I’m done and I begin to worry what someone else will think of my creation), photography – I have owned more cameras over the years that I’ve had no clue how to use but that didn’t stop me from spending hours and hours and days and months and years, and really a lifetime going out and taking pictures. Acting? Wanted to explore that a few years back so I took an improv class – talk about scary in a good way – that class pushed every last one of my fear buttons – and I showed up every week completely enamored with the excited fear that I felt every time it was my turn to perform the off the cuff scene that I was given to do.  For some reason when it comes to exploring the arts – my fear doesn’t stop me – it’s actually something that invites further participation.  In life, not so much.  Why is that? </p>
<p>I don't have an answer. What I can tell you is this...without fail, every time I am in front of the canvas lost in the moment creating yet another gloriously chaotic mess of a painting, I am connected to my soul and I walk away changed by the experience. Whether it be painting, writing a song, singing, photography the process of creating moves me. I love to create, and when I'm creating my soul is at peace (for the record I tap into a similar state of connection/peace with my TM practice, but that's a blog for another day).  So maybe I have answered my question after all.  The arts are the outlet for expression that my soul craves.  And if I think about it a little more I realize that the arts, and specifically my continued exploration of painting has taught me that ability and love are not necessarily related. I suck at painting, and even though I will continue to paint every chance I get, I may never be "good" at it but my love for painting grows with each new fantabulous mess I create. So while ability and love don't necessarily connect, creating and love are most certainly intertwined. At least in my little - OMG did I mention the ginormous roll of canvas - part of the world they are. </p>
<p>PS-Sometimes the combining of passions creates interesting outcomes, like when I started photographing pieces of my ugly paintings and discovered the photographed pieces can make for some wild CD cover art.  </p></div>
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